Thats When You Know You've Made It Over To the Other Side

I am so excited to start writing again.  Its been a long time. Everyone knows that I over think almost every situation that I run into.. but I was thinking about why I haven't been writing lately.. and that got me thinking about what changed that would cause me to not have the need to write.. and then that got me thinking about why I started writing in the first place.

I started this blog because I felt like there was no happiness in my life! I felt like I needed to appreciate the little things that make life what it is. But really this blog just turned into poor mans therapy. I started writing my feelings out in the little white box.. the more I wrote, the more I had to write. Clicking "Publish" was one of the most liberating feelings..

But all of a sudden I quit writing.. Why?

Six months ago I cried, what seemed like, ALL the time. Six months ago it seemed like there was no end. Six months ago I felt desperate. Six months ago everything was dramatic and spilled milk was the end of the world!

I still don't know exactly what changed.. but I can't specifically remember the last time I cried. I can't remember the last time I thought life wasn't worth living.. Oh wait! That was earlier today when I remembered that I have a dentist appointment Friday! ;)

I give power to what ever I give power to. Instead of focusing on how crazy Hank is, and how terrible it is living with him sometimes.. I've just decided that the situation I'm in is the situation I am in. I'm not going to change it. Hank is going to drink. He is going to be Bipolar. He is going to be unreliable.  He isn't ever going to treat me like I'm special. (Not that I want to be treated like I'm special..) But once you stop letting it matter.. it loses all its power over you.

Instead of sitting around thinking of how I WISH things would go. How I WISH they would have went. Sitting around thinking about things I have NO control over. Instead of butting heads with Hank.. trying to fix him. Or expecting anything from him. I just except it.I haven't given up hope in him or given up hope in finding a kidney, but instead of waiting for something that may never happen.. I'm just gonna learn to live with what we have.

And maybe I'll never 100% "ok" with it. Maybe I'll never get over it. Maybe I'll always have the fear and anger somewhere inside of me towards it.

Butt calls from the bar. Empty beer can stash. Lies. Yelling. Its got nothing on me.

Its so liberating.

I've felt like I was getting better other times before.. But this is different. I seriously feel like its all gonna be fine.. one way or another.

"When that time of the year
Don't stir up tears anymore.
When it don't feel like,
the past is a gun,
And there's no where,
to run anymore."

"That's when you know its over.
That's when you know you've made it,
Over to the other side.
Ready for another ride.
That's when you know its over!"


Lynz